A sponge cannot differentiate between deadly poison and sweet nectar. It sops up
whatever liquid it contacts.
Children are like sponges. They cannot distinguish the value of the information
they are immersed in, especially when they are very young.
Information on all topics - right or wrong, good or bad - is soaked up by
infants, toddlers, and pre-schoolers without the capacity to determine its
worth. Because of the inordinate influence represented by parents and other
guardians, the impact of the incoming information is powerful and has life-long
effect on children. Later in life, people go to great lengths to right the
wrongs of their pasts, often with limited success. The roots of old, firmly
entrenched information are hard to locate and excavate, and even then, difficult
to replace.
As parents, we invest elaborate amounts of time, energy, and money to educate
our children and prepare them for life. We teach them to read and write, and do
math. We give them the tool kit to ensure their survival and the ability to
acquire the things that will help them have a safe and happy passage through
life. The acquisition of life enhancing skills improves the chances of success.
On the flip-side, it is painfully clear that the lack of those tools can limit
or reduce quality of life.
But, reading, writing and 'rithmetic, while crucial, do not represent all of the
tools children need for life to be well-lived. Sadly, we don't spend an equal or
even proportionate amount of time and energy teaching them how to deal with
loss. In no other life area does crucial inbound information have greater
consequences than in our emotional response to loss and other grief producing
events. Grief, though infrequent, is universal and inevitable. There is no
escaping its clutches.
Yet, as we said, loss is inevitable. Losses will occur no matter what. We cannot
shield our children from the often devastating emotional impact of painful
events.
Compounding that omission is the fact that we can only teach what we know. And
since we were once little sponges ourselves, what's stored in the crinkled
crevices of our minds is whatever information - or lack of it - was shown or
taught us when we were young. If our stored information about dealing with grief
is incorrect or inadequate, that is what we will pass on to our children.
Normally, when we approach a situation about which we have no knowledge, we
diligently research the topic and find what information exists about it so we
can form our own opinions. But, when it comes to grief and recovery from painful
emotional losses, we tend only to search the filing cabinets of our own minds.
Because the topic has been so far off-limits for so long, we usually don't have
a full and effective tool kit for dealing with grief. This is not a slam on our
parents, our religions, nor our society at large. It is just an observation.
None of us would ever intentionally poison our children. The key here is to
acquire and pass along better guidance. We may need to wring out our old
sponges, see what kind of information falls out, and then replace any unhelpful
ideas with ones that are life-enhancing rather than life-limiting.
For our little sponges...oops...for our children.
By Russell Friedman
John W. James and Russell Friedman are co-founders of The Grief Recovery Institute Educational Foundation, and co-authors of The Grief Recovery Handbook and When Children Grieve, both from HarperCollins. The Institute and thousands of affiliates throughout the United States and Canada offer a variety of programs for grievers. Additional information is available by calling 888-773-2683 or on the web at www.grief.net. To view previous media related articles please go to www.grief.net/Media/MediaIndex.html. Eric Cline is Director of Canadian Operations.