| This column is the
first of a trilogy in which we will probe some of the myths
and mis-information about three words that are very
important in the process of Grief Recovery. The words are FORGIVENESS,
FEAR, and FAMILIARITY. FORGIVENESS is the subject of
this article.
It is almost a pleasure to write about
forgiveness rather than talking about it. There is no subject that
provokes more argument, more rigidity, or more pain than the idea
of forgiveness. In fact, if forgiveness were not such an important
stepping stone to successful Grief Recovery, we would not bring it
up at all.
Forgiveness is one of the least understood
concepts in the world, and is especially problematic in English
speaking countries. Most people seem to convert the word forgive
into the word condone. The definitions in our Webster's Dictionary
illustrate the problem.
FORGIVE ....to cease to feel resentment
against [an offender].
CONDONE.... to pardon or overlook
voluntarily; esp.: to treat as if trivial, harmless, or of no
importance.
If we believe the two words to be
synonymous, it would be virtually impossible to forgive. The
implication that we might trivialize a horrible event is clearly
unacceptable. However, if we used the top definition of forgive we
would be on the right track.
For example, a griever might harbor a
tremendous amount of resentment against the person who murdered
his/her child. That resentment might create and consume a lot of
energy which in turn might mask the pain and sadness about the
death of the child. As long as the griever stays focused on the
murderer they may find it impossible to grieve and complete their
relationship with the child who died. The resentment, or lack of
forgiveness of the murderer gives more importance and energy to
the murderer than to the child. Successful recovery from the pain
caused by loss requires that we focus our energy on completing our
relationship with our loved one who died. By not forgiving
the murderer we almost guarantee staying incomplete with the
child.
Grief is the normal and natural emotional
response to loss. It is essential to correctly identify the loss-the
death of the child-so a process of completion can begin.
The example about the murderer and the child can be applied to the
perpetrator and the victim of any kind of event.
If the death of a loved one was a suicide,
you might need to forgive them for taking their own life, so that
you could then complete what was emotionally incomplete for you
when they died.
Forgiveness is not our objective.
Forgiveness is one of the tools we may need to employ in order to
complete the relationship that ended or changed, due to death or
divorce or other life circumstance. The subject of forgiveness is
massive and carries with it many, many beliefs, passed on from
generation to generation. We offer this column and the following
questions and answers to help you determine if the definitions
that were taught to you are helpful to you or if they need some
updating.
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